"Why do you want to save the world?"

It's been just over six months since I've returned from Europe. In three short weeks I'll be leaving for my third trip to Guatemala. In four months I'll be leaving to live in Ghana for the summer. If you would have asked me three years ago, if I thought I would be traveling between seven different countries in less than a year, I would have called you crazy. As concrete as these events are, it is only recently I've come to consider the impact they have had on my life.

Someone close to me recently asked, "Why do you want to save the world?" Although this question is open ended and I recognize it is impossible for me, one young girl, to "save the world," I've found myself thinking about the question often.

Living the college lifestyle, which can be both mundane and overwhelming at the same time, I often find myself lost in my achievements and my lists of things to do. I become so focused on getting another 4.0 GPA, or planning the best fundraising event. I honestly forget to just "be." I forget what it's like to separate who I am with what I've accomplished and what  I will do.

I feel most myself, in my heart of hearts, when I'm working and learning about the world- in any sense. To me, it's both liberatingly terrifying and hopeful to recognize that my life is such a small part of our universe. I crave more information, and I sometimes feel so driven to make an impact, my heart races and I can feel my blood flowing through my veins. It's a sense of desire like any other I've ever felt in my life. I call these moods my, "save the world moods." Yet, I never recognized the amount of weight those words hold, or the fact that who I am is directly intertwined with these moods. In fact, I'm starting to realize these passionate, driven, earth saving, culturally curious states of being are just another facet of who I am, and possibly my favorite one.

Because of this, I recently discovered why I want (to do my part) to "save this world."

The answer? The world saved me.

On my first international experience, I was only thirteen. I traveled throughout China without my family for three weeks. Although, I believe I took this experience for granted at the time, I reflect on it often now for giving me the insight into the greater expanse of the world outside of the small town I grew up in, as well as the lifestyle in the United States. At a young age, I was aware that the idea of "life" and "fully living" were different in different areas of the world.

China, 2008

Highest point of the Great Wall, China, 2008

During my Freshman year of college, I had wanted to travel with an organization on campus called "ASB" or Alternative Spring Break. After attending my first group interview, I was sadly put on the waitlist to work on a mission trip in Chicago. The same day I received the e-mail notification of my acceptance status, I read a flyer on a bathroom door. For those who go to UMich, you'll know that most people never bother to read any of the ridiculous flyers, pamphlets, and posters on the walls or spread around campus. For some reason, I looked up that day and read a flyer asking if I was interested in "medicine" and "traveling." At the time, I was a typical freshman eager to make my mark on campus, as well as a pre- med student aiming to boost my resume. I took the flyer, and e-mailed to obtain an interview right away. Within just a few days I was on my way to Guatemala.

Freshman year for me, and for many students, was a topsy - turvy world of unknown and many, many questionable and bad decisions. While I wouldn't say I failed  at "doing college," I feel that I did lose my way here and there. I accept this today, and the lessons I learned from it. I found my ground again after traveling to Guatemala. I dusted off the part of myself who was curious about the world and determined to make a life that would impact it. Instead of feeling lost in the abyss of endless people, exams, parties, frat boys, and commitments, I felt grounded in myself. For the first time in years, I felt content. I had finally made a decision that was both good for me and good for other people. I loved the idea of working for something greater than myself.

Decided to ditch the clinic one day (without permission, oops), to walk through the streets near the mountains in Aletenango, Guatemala.

When the opportunity arrived again my sophomore year, I immediately knew I had to go back to Guatemala. While the idea of drinking Margaritas in PV, Mexico with my sorority sisters was appealing, I couldn't stand the idea of spending my time relaxing when I had the opportunity to do something so much more meaningful. While sometimes I wish I engaged in more of those friendship bonding experiences as well as creation of memories, I would never regret making the decisions I did.

Sophomore year was one of the most difficult of my life thus far for reasons still unknown. Perhaps the stress of life became too much for me, but I lost a large part of myself that winter. While I won't divulge the details for all of the internet world to see, I will say that I had never felt so incredibly dark in my life. Being a psychology major, and a chronic over- analyzer, I was lost in my head. For those who know me well, I can easily be described as pensive and sometimes melancholy or even "tortured." While this side of me is confusing to both myself and others, sometimes I enjoy the broodiness I find myself in because I truly enjoy losing myself in the creases of my mind. I still struggle today with the degree to which my inner sadness can effect myself and others, nothing had been worse than the weeks leading up to Guatemala. I truly understood the gravity of depression. I was often dissociated from my own body, feeling like an outsider in my own surroundings and even in my own skin. I questioned the idea of what it meant to be alive and what made life worth living.

Just two weeks before I was to leave for my return trip to Guatemala, I had received news about my acceptance into the CGIS Spanish Study Abroad program. While I was thrilled to have a new adventure, I couldn't get myself to be blissfully content with the idea. I had moments of total thrill and elation, followed by the chronic feeling of trudging through a fog that was my life. While escaping to Guatemala was only a week of time away, it lit a fire of rejuvenation in me to help finish out the semester. I can't say that it was easy or that I didn't crave an escape, the realization of the world gave me a sense of hope beyond the mundane days I had been living.

Holding a young child while working in the Dentistry clinic. I promise she liked me more than this image shows.  

View from the rooftop of the Aletenango clinic.

Cheers to you guys. Thanks for everything you do. You're all amazing. 

The day I left for Spain was both one of the greatest and one of the hardest days of my life. I couldn't wait to leave the country and start on a new life, but at the time, due to family circumstances, I was feeling conflicted and hurt. Life felt so complicated given the recent events that had occurred, along with the stage of recovery I was attempting to achieve from my "dark days."

Upon arrival, I made the immediate decision to let go of everything that had caused me pain, and I decided to choose happiness, as cliche as that sounds. While I recognize that it's obviously very easy to be happy in an environment with limited responsibility, I can say honestly I had not experienced happiness, passion, excitement, thrill, and continuous contentment the way I did while living abroad. I did not miss home. I did not miss who I had been. Today, I often miss the girl I was in Europe. I miss her sense of adventure, her outgoing nature, and her attitude of being fully present in the moment. While she is still a part of me, I reflect on the days I spend living abroad, and I can feel the sunshine, and I can smell the streets. I walk through the streets of Granada in my head often solely because I don't want to forget them. I felt the most "me" since the beginning of my increasing sense of self awareness had made itself apparent in me. Perhaps this is why I feel blissful when I talk about the world, travel, culture, and the incredibility of our universe.

La Alhambra 

Malaga

La Alhambra, an image from my first full day in Spain. 

Image from my trip to Sevilla, one of my favorite Spanish cities. 

Since my return from Europe, I have not experienced depression in the same way I had before Guatemala that year. I have not experienced the feelings of loneliness in that same way. I cannot say that it was easy for me to let go, rather many days felt like an uphill battle, staring the monster in the eyes, facing everything I was afraid of. It taught me to be brave, and it taught me to fight for my life.

Today, it's interesting for me to reflect on how I've changed over the years. While parts of me remain the same, my likes, dislikes, and my general interests. Yet major parts are different, my views on the world, my aura,  and my feelings toward the importance of truly being alive. 

It wasn't until recently, when I was asking the question about saving the world, that I caught myself falling into my old patterns. I am not as melancholy as I have been in the past, I have recognized the fact that I have taken things for granted. I have held onto things due to fear. I have made decisions based on ease. I have disregarded the importance of embracing life, as compared to my life of endless lists, assignments, and things to achieve. I found myself placing my self worth in the hands of other people as well as physical things- grades, hours in a day, achievements.

Today, I had a meeting with a former MHIRT (the program I'm going to Ghana through) student. After hearing her talk about her research experience, her cultural encounters, and her daily life in Ghana, I could begin to feel the rise of adventure and excitement in my body. I realized how truly incredible attaining this experience is in itself, nonetheless for free, and all while doing work that could have the potential to make a difference.

Acceptance e-mail

Accra, Ghana 

So, to answer the question... The world saved me. This world saves me every single day. I considered drafting this and not posting because I don't like to openly talk about my mental illness(es), except for those close to me. However, I'm hoping that on some level people struggling and people facing their demons will relate to what I've said. I know what it is like to drown in my own life. Yet, there's so much beauty in the struggle of becoming happy, of becoming the people we are meant to be. My saving grace has been travel and knowing experiences exist out there beyond the present, but for others the light at the end of the tunnel could be simple, everyday things. I personally believe there is something so incredible to be said about self reflection and awareness. Perhaps by writing about my own discovery and battles, the secrecy and stigma against mental illness of all kinds can slowly be diminished.

Some think I'm too optimistic about the world and its people because of all the horrible things that occur on a daily basis. However, I think we often forget that daily there's thousands of people fighting the same battles we are, and we forget our similarities. While I recognize that I cannot expect adventure to always cure my heartaches, I feel the upmost gratitude for the opportunities I have been given. I intend to use the experience I have gained in order to give back to this world that has truly given me so much; it has given me a reason to truly live. 

Sitting here, writing this, I am beginning to feel a greater sense of my plan for the next few weeks, months, or even years. I am passionately curious about what this life has in store for me, as well as for this world we live in. I find contentment in the expanse of possibilities that exist beyond the limits my own mind has created for me. I'm ready for this next phase of life. I'm ready to "save the world."

Besos,

B