B in Wonderland

After four weeks back in the country I was born and raised in, I've found the adjustment more difficult than I'd previously imagined. Living in the fast paced life of freedom in Spain, as well as my travels afterwards, gave me a sense of life that I hadn't felt previously in many years. This isn't to say that I don't know what it means to live my life, more to say that I thought I'd learned a new way to process my thoughts and turn them to actions. 

I had this idea that when I came home, I'd be glowing with a  new sense of enlightenment. I thought that people would be able to see the radiance of my travels on my face, and I thought friends and family would almost be "in awe" of my new found maturity. I couldn't have been more wrong. Instead, the fear I had came true... I became the person I was before I left, and I'd pushed aside my new knowledge of life, love, and happiness.

I know it sounds a bit melodramatic when I say that I am two different people today, however this dichotomy that I'm currently living in is like being continuously pulled one way and pushed another, stretching myself so thin, that I might break.

I guess the only truth that I can find in this state, is the fact that I need to make a change.

My confusion didn't begin until I'd been home for about a week. Right after getting off the plane, I had to unpack, wash my clothes, and re-pack for a week of sun soaked camping in my favorite place in this world, Grand Haven, Michigan. Although I was exhausted, I couldn't help but be excited to spend a week truly relaxing.

First Day Back

The first weekend there, I had some of my high school friends up for a beach day and a bonfire. I was admittedly very nervous. I wasn't sure how I would mesh with everyone again. As we walked the pier, one of my friends said to me. "Belle, Grand Haven is your place. It really is." To my own surprise, I was shocked he said this. I'd always considered Grand Haven my home. Everyone from the "West Side" has a small place in their hearts for this site of "Pure Michigan." Yet, I claimed it as my own by the age of five. Ever since birth, I'd spent my entire summer road tripping or camping on this shore. Most of my closer friends say that after meeting me, they feel a greater adoration for the city and state park. I think the feeling is similar to being around a contagiously happy person.. you cannot help but be absorbed into it. My obsession with Grand Haven had rubbed off on my friends.

View off Grand Haven Pier - Lake Michigan

If all of this was true, then why did I feel so jumbled? His words had rocked me, and I spent the rest of the walk pondering why Grand Haven didn't feel like my place anymore. In fact, nowhere felt like my place anymore.

When my friends left that day, I was incredibly nauseous. I spent the entire night sleepless wondering why I felt so uneasy and out of place. I have had these friends for years, yet I was the puzzle piece who didn't fit. How could people I love unconditionally make me feel this way?

When I left for Spain, I was in search of many things: acceptance of the past, guidance in my ever so shaky present, wisdom to handle the inevitable problems I would face upon return, hope for the future.... I came back as a person full of true inspiration and full of real feeling - the kind that absorbs you completely and makes you feel like every single damn day is worth it, like I was worth it, like my choices mattered, who I am mattered, and my life as a whole would matter to not only me, but other people, and God.

After this past month of falling back into routine, I've lost sight of those things. I'd lost sight of what it meant to truly be enthralled in this life I've been given. I've spent my time attempting to make money, worrying over family issues, trying to still fit in with my friends, wanting to be busy and distracted, trying to impress other people with things that just do not matter. I forgot to take time to do the things that make me feel alive, the things that make me feel happy, and the things that make me feel like I'm someone to be admired.

It seems as though I've been pretending, with great effort, to be the girl I was before, but it's not for me. It's for everyone who loves the girl I was. After some time of hard work, things become habit, so on the outside I am Belle. Abroad, I'm Iza. To my family, I'm Izabella. I've been playing so many different identity cards that I find myself confused by my decisions and my words. There's got to be some overlap between these girls. I have qualities that appreciate in every part of who I am, and I also have characteristics I despise. When is the right time to let go of what was? When is the right time to accept who you're supposed to be? How do you figure out who that person even is? How do you really change yourself? Can you at all?

Mock Elections in Spain

I am a person who lives in a  world of definitive answers. Out of my intrinsic qualities, indecisiveness isn't one of them. I'm continuously the friend who plans every event down to the smallest detail. People rely on me to make decisions for small and large scale groups. I have an opinion on almost everything from politics to peanut butter. I live in a world of polarity. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I either love something to the point where I'm almost annoying or I detest it. I've always thought life is too short to feel wishy-washy on anything. Although this has gotten me into trouble and many arguments, life has always been interesting because of this characteristic. It's something that I've always had inside of me, despite which facets of my personality. 

Today, I realize I cannot decisively sit down and pick a side of myself I enjoy more than the others. I cannot begin this next phase of life disregarding any part of my past. I have to blend everything into one giant grey area. How ironic. After living a life of black and white opinions, I am forced to accept that I, myself, am not a question to be answered with "yes" or "no."

They say that "what goes up, must come down," who ever "they" are.  I've finally floated my way back to the harsh reality of growing up. If I took three steps forward in Spain, and one step back this month,  I believe the lessons I will  learn from my small, personal growth relapse will teach me more yet again. Then, I'll  have the opportunity to take three more steps into the future. For now, I am  stuck in this stage of my personal purgatory. I'll wander thoughts in my brain like roads, and I'll attempt to make decisions with a greater openness to the qualities I value most.

Grand Haven Pier and Channel

So maybe Grand Haven isn't my place. Rockford isn't my place. Spain isn't my place. Nowhere is truly mine, and that's pretty beautiful. My place is inside of my crazy mind. It's my wonderland of thoughts and ideas, of my ambitions and dreams. It's my mistakes and my triumphs. Home is a relative concept. For the first time in life, I feel as though I don't need an anchor to feel safe. I can aimlessly float through this world, knowing that life always moves on, and another adventure is always awaiting.

"Fear is only a verb if you let it be." - Andrea Gibson

Besos,

B