Alone but Never Lonely

Alone but Never Lonely 

As I've written in my most recent post, this is my last week in Spain. As I prepare to leave in about four days, I've been attempting to come to terms with my goodbyes. I hate saying goodbye. I'm not good at it. I'm probably the worst at it because I can never let go of anything or anyone. People say that my biggest fault and asset is that I care too much.

How can I even begin to say goodbye to this place, these people, who have contributed so much to my happiness? How can I say goodbye to the place that has cultivated my new set of eyes? How do I say goodbye to my renewed sense of self? How do I continue on in a new space without this atmosphere of acceptance? 

I cannot shake these questions from my mind...

Admittedly, when I came to Spain, I came to escape my problems. Or rather, that was one of my goals.

On the plane ride here, I wrote and wrote and wrote some more about the things that had happened in my life over the past few months. Happy things. Sad things. Terrible things. Exciting things. I let it all out and as soon as I set foot on foreign soil, I devoted myself to letting it go. I didn't want to be the girl who had baggage weighing her down, and I didn't want to let anything or anyone ruin my time for myself. I was being selfish, admittedly. Yet I think I deserved it at this time, and I have no regrets looking back. 

Escaping my problems did not happen, unfortunately. 

I didn't think about my problems for much time, however. I ran away, far, far away from any negative thought or consequence of my previous actions. I ran away from things that I know will continue to cause headache in my future. In fact, I spent my first week here attempting to have as many distractions as possible. I went to tapas and drinks every night. I did my homework at local pubs and taverns. I walked through parks. I explored the city. I can't remember actually sitting down to rest. 

As weeks went by I fell into a pattern that I enjoyed. Life was blissful. I was unaware of everything happening in the world, besides my little bubble. I was involved with only what I cared about, and I was content with it. I didn't think about home. I didn't think about anything in my life in the United States really. In honesty, I don't think I missed a thing. Actually, I believe I could continue living here for months on end without worry or heartache. The idea of getting on a plane and going back to my old life completely terrifies me. I cannot bare to stand the mundane lifestyle that exists for me in Rockford. I don't mean to say that I have a bad life. I have more than most, and of this I am beyond grateful. I have a loving family. I have great friends. I have a community to return too. Somehow being alone in Europe seems more pleasing to me. 

My professor told me before I left that the hardest part is the after culture shock, and I'm starting to realize that this will be the truth for me. Out of my closest three friends here, I am the only one who desires to stay for as long as possible. What does this say about me? I'm not sure. I don't know if I want to know. 

I think this feeling of contentment, if it's good, bad, or neutral has come from much time spent alone. These past few years I've tried so very hard to become a "large group person." I wanted to be outgoing, the life of the party, funny, well known... In high school I was the most shy girl the world has ever seen, and in college I wanted to be exact opposite of her. I am more outgoing today, however I still believe myself to be somewhat quiet most of the time. However, I've come to realize "extrovert, loud" type simply isn't me. It never has been. 

I was an only child for eleven years, and for this I spent much time alone. Independent. I like things my way, and that's usually the way things would and probably will be. I'm bossy and demanding. I like what I like, and I don't what I don't. As much as I wanted to fit in throughout life, I never did because I was too stubborn to truly compromise what was pleasing to me. In high school I bopped around groups of (wonderful) friends, but I wasn't ever fully immersed or belonging to one single group. I never felt comfortable in large groups. Even now it's taken me years to feel comfortable around my high school friends, and sometimes I'm still a bit insecure or uncomfortable.

What's ironic about this is the fact that people who meet me "one on one" or in smaller groups (less than 10 people) assume I am extroverted, hilarious, sassy, sarcastic... These are all also true characteristics about me, just on a different level. 

I guess the truth is that I am both of these people? If that's at all possible. For example with my friends here in Spain or with some of my clubs, I am known as a leader figure. I'm louder, more aggressive. I make decisions. Here in Spain I'm actually known as "Captain Belle." However with groups of friends much bigger, like my sorority, I'm one of the quietest and least well known. I enjoy my sisters very much, and this is something I've come to  realize is okay. Each side of me is integral to the whole. My quiet side makes people appreciate my (annoying) louder half. 

I think my ability to be alone, or understand what it's like on the outside, is one of the reasons I have no desire to leave this place. Although I have great friends here, I do spend quite a decent amount of time by myself. I think that in life it's necessary to be your own best friend. I spend a good amount of my day sitting, walking, standing.. but always, always thinking. I don't think I've let my brain rest once in it's life. For this reason, I don't mind the independence or anonymity. I'm often alone but I am never lonely. 

For a person like me, there's nothing more exciting than being in an unknown country without someone to watch over you. To enter into a new life without anyone who unconditionally loves you and will care for you is almost unheard of. Yes, my family was responsible for me, yet they do not love me. My friends care about me, but they will not always love me despite my faults. Being alone here has taught me to support and to love myself. 

I think today there is so much comparison and competition among people. At Michigan I continuously feel as though I have to keep up with my grades, my looks, my reputation, my social life, my family life... The atmosphere can be toxic at times. I'm not usually very competitive but being surrounded by the tension is quite a load to take on. Actually, in the United States in general the sense of competition is greater. It's an American value to need to win and be the BEST. Everyone wants to be on top. Life is fast paced, and success is based on money and levels of education. Everyone seeks to out do one another. Everyone even wants to think that their problems are greater than everyone else's. The circle just spins in circles over and over again. 

Living in Spain for the past few weeks has taught me to not compare myself to anyone. I've struggled with this for years. Forever worried about my weight, my acne, my appearance, my sense of knowledge... I was one of the most insecure girls growing up, but I faked confidence like a champion. It feels amazing to not have to fake it anymore, granted this was a cumulation of many, many experiences. It's nice to know that I've made it. It's nice to know I did it on my own. I did it alone. Me. I made this version of myself. My character is a creation that I've helped develop over years. My accomplishments are my own. I give thanks to those who have contributed, but I finally feel that I have attained something worth having pride. I don't need to pretend, and that's a wonderfully new idea for me.

It's a new feeling to wake up and have no preoccupations, no worries, no sense of commitment to please anyone else. It's empowering. I'll always need people in my life, this I know to be true. Yet for now, I'm okay with where I am. I'll work on those problems when I need to head back to reality. I'm grateful to know that all is awaiting me when I return, and I know that I'll eventually be ready to have a boring, comfortable, blissful other type of life again. I'm okay being alone here and now, and this is because I'm not lonely. I don't think I'll ever need to feel lonely again.